How Ronald Weasley Finally Got Some Sort of Groove
by Confused Yellow Stallion
Summary: Chapter 3 is up!Ron:Hermione, I was hoping you could help me get my groove back.Hermione:Ron, you never had a groove. NOW COMPLETE!
1. Fan Fissions

**How Ronald Weasley Finally Got Some Sort of Groove **

**Chapter 1- Fanfission**

Ronald Weasley was sitting with his two best friends Harry Potter and Hermione Granger. He saw some Gryffindor 5th years pointing at Harry and giggling. He knew that they wanted Harry, everyone wanted Harry. Hermione seemed to notice as well as she snarled at the 3 girls. They laughed at Hermione and turned away to crush on Harry without the entire school knowing.

"How come you get all the girls, Harry?" Ron whined.

"Because I've got the groove. I'm Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived. And you're just Ron. No one cares about sidekicks, everyone wants to be with the main character of stories. Haven't you ever read the fanfictions, Ron?"  
"What's a... fanfission?" Ron mumbled.

"A fanfiction. It's stories that muggles read about characters in their favorite books. And occasionally people get together in the fanfictions, and the main characters are always the ones who get laid. And if we were in a fanfiction right now, I would be the one who got laid."

"Ohhh... I get it!" Ron said excitedly."Well, Harry, I'm not going to be the annoying sidekick for the rest of my life, I'm going to get my groove back!"

Harry looked confused as Ron walked away to the Gryffindor common room.

"Ron had a groove?"

"It's a figure of speech. If Ron actually had a groove, he would have had a real girlfriend by now. We wouldn't be stuck listening to how he never gets any girls and how he wants to be the popular one with the scar and all the admirers." Harry was convinced by this explanation as he couldn't believe Ron had ever had a groove. It was completely impossible for the second in command to have a groove.

Ronald Weasley was closed in by his four-poster bed. He had to find a way to get his groove back. He was thinking of ways to become a girl magnet when Harry plopped on the bed beside him.

"Ron, I think I should tell you, you never had a groove. It's all a lie inside your head. You've never been a babe magnet and you never will be because you're the sidekick."

"I told you! I'm not your sidekick! I never want to be your sidekick again! And once I get my groove back, I will be considered your equal, your other equal, not Voldemort because he's evil, but your other equal, your equal in getting girls." Harry decided to let Ron believe he once had a groove because there was a quidditch match the next day and he didn't feel like arguing.

Ron wasn't going to let Harry bring him down. He had to stay positive, positive attitudes meant getting closer to the ladies, and Ron wanted to be closer to the ladies than their own underwear. Or at least Ron wanted to be able to talk to any girl besides Hermione.

Ron had an idea, he was no longer going to be Harry Potter's crony after he pulled this plan off. He was going to make Hogwart's History.

It was hard for Ron to get to sleep that night out of excitement for pulling out his plan, he could barely contain himself from screaming out loud. When the day finally arrived, Ron gave a small scream of joy. Well, small would be an understatement, it was actually earsplitting, he had woken up every Gryffindor boy. Fred and George ran into the room.

"What the hell was that Ron?" Fred asked.

"Umm, I saw a spider, it was huge! It was going to eat me. But then Neville ate it, he was so hungry, I saw him eating dirt yesterday." Fred and George gave Ron weird looks but both left to the Great Hall to eat breakfast.

"I'm going to be the one who gets laid in the fanfissions from now on." Ron said and ventured to the Great Hall to pull off his plan.

He walked into the Great Hall and stood on top of the Gryffindor table. He pulled out a microphone which he had stolen from his father's work. He didn't know how to use it but Hermione told him that it vibrates your voice when you speak into it.

Everyone gave Ron weird looks, wondering why he was on the table and what was in his hands. Suddenly, Draco Malfoy screamed "You SUCK, sit down!"

Ron didn't turn red like normal because he knew that he was going to blow everyone away.

"Yeah, Draco. Well, Yo mama's so ugly, when she looked in the mirror, the reflection ducked."The entire Great Hall started laughing at Ron's joke.

Suddenly, the worst thing imaginable happened. Draco got on the table next to him and said "Yo mama's so poor, she got more furniture on her porch then in her house." The room erupted into laughter once again and Ron didn't know what to do,since he only had his one joke...

Luckily, another person soon joined them on the table.The newcomer, who turned out to be none other than THE Harry Potter, started singing, as to not have his best friend embarrassed in front of the entire school.

"And this is how it feels...  
As we go on, we remember  
All the times we had together  
And as our lives change  
Come whatever,   
We will still be friends forever"

The entire school started singing along to the Vitamin C song- Friends Forever... Unfortunately they only knew the chorus. And they were all out of tune. So basically it sounded like crap. But Harry had brought the entire school together, if for just 10 minutes of them repeating the same lines over and over again. Slytherins and Gryffindors alike were singing along.

Ron's plan had backfired, he had now just made Harry Potter even more famous then ever before.

"Why'd you do that to me?" Ron asked Harry as they had got back to the Gryffindor common room.

"Ron," Harry said, "I was saving you from mortal embarrassment. You don't know any Yo Mama jokes, it probably took you hours to remember the one you recited to Malfoy and that one sucked. Believe me, if I didn't start singing, you would've been toast by now."

There had to be another way for Ron to become a girl magnet without Harry getting in the way. He just had to think, and he had to think hard.

Ron went to the library to find Hermione and sat down with her.

"Hermione," he said, "I need your help. You're so clever and I was hoping you could help me get my groove back."

"Ron, you never had a groove."


	2. The Singing Competition

How Ronald Weasley Finally Got Some Sort of Groove

Disclaimer- still don't own it.

Chapter 2-The Singing Competition

Hermione and Ron had made a plan. Ron was going to regain his groove once and for all. All he had to do was go through with Hermione's plan and everything would be fine. Ron would no longer be Harry's sidekick but- "Ron-The Boy With the Groove."

They needed some help though, so they found the masters of trickery, Fred and George Weasley to help Ron get his groove back.

"Fred, George, I need you two to help me get my groove back. I want to be the one who gets laid in the fan fissions!"

"Groove," Fred said," You had a groove? I always thought Harry was the one with the groove." Ron's face turned bright red.

"Yes, I had a groove, and I need your help. So will ya help me get my groove back?" Fred and George decided it would give them a good laugh so they decided to help Ron and Hermione. After the two were told the plan, they were shocked.

"This plan just might work, little brother." Fred said and pat Ron's red hair.

"It was actually Hermione's idea..."

Hermione, Ron, Fred, and George were sure that the plan was going to work. Ron was going to get his groove back.

The next evening, the four entered the Great Hall together(A.N. If you're wondering why it's always in the Great Hall, it's because that's the only time the entire school's together so it makes more sense..) all smiling and waiting for the plan to come into action. This would be Ron's event. There was no way Harry could ruin it this time.

Ron got on the table for the second time that week. Draco Malfoy started booing, but Ron was prepared this time, Harry wasn't gonna ruin him this time.

"I think I'll go for a walk outside now,  
The summer sun's calling my name, I hear it now.  
I just can't stay inside all day,  
I've got to get out, gimme some of those rays."

Suddenly, a miracle happened, the entire school started singing with the terrible song from the Brady Bunch movie.

"Everybody's smiling (sunshine day),  
Everybody's laughing (sunshine day),  
Everybody seems so happy today in the sunshine day.

Oooh. Can't you dig the sunshine?  
Feel the sun and the rays.  
Can't you hear it calling your name?"

Finally, even the teachers were singing along. The only ones in the entire school who weren't singing were Professor Snape and Malfoy. The school continued singing songs from the Brady Bunch for the entire evening. No one went back to their common rooms until midnight that evening.

The next day though, something terrible happened. Draco had told the entire school about Ron's _little_ problem. Ron hadn't even had any groove for 1 day, and it was already ruined.

Draco had the groove, Ron's groove. Ron was going to get revenge. Fred, George, Hermione, and Ron had to find a new plan before time ran out. If Ron didn't get his groove, then he would be stuck being the stupid little sidekick all his life.

"No more Yo Mama jokes, those are done. No more singing. We need something original. Something that neither Harry nor Draco could ruin. Something like... Something like... A danceoff! Or even a singoff! That would be great! We'll get Ron a voice enhancer, we'll make him sing great! Everyone who wants to enter can. But we'll make sure Ron wins!" Fred's plan was brillant. They would have the singoff the next Friday. They had 7 days to get ready. The four put up flyers everywhere around the school after Hermione had gotten Dumbledore's permission for the event.

**Hogwart's Singing Competition**

**Friday, December 15th**

**8:00 PM in the Great Hall**

**Be There, or Beware**

Ron knew that he was going to be a hit. He figured not that many people would enter the singing contest so he would be the best singer there. Ron always loved singing. Even when he had his awkward voice, he would sing every day, and he now knew that his experience in singing would help him. Finally.

Friday had come, Ron would be the last one performing, Hermione was the speaker, introducing all the singers in the competition, Fred and George were going to be singing themselves. Hermione had walked onto the table placed in front of the Great Hall for the event.

"For today's first event, we have a very special surpise for you. Please welcome Albus and the Faculty!"

The entire school gasped when they saw their headmaster step onto the table. Behind him was none other than Minerva Mcgonagall, Severus Snape, and Rubeus Hagrid. The four were all wearing hippie clothing and once they were all in their spots, the lights started to dim and the table began to hover in the air, reaching 10 feet and then stopping.

"At first I was afraid I was petrified  
Kept thinkin' I could never live without you by my side  
But then I spent so many nights  
Thinkin' how you did me wrong  
And I grew strong  
And so you're back from outer space  
I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face  
I should have changed that stupid lock  
I should have made you leave your key  
If I'd've known for just one second you'd back to bother me  
Go on now, go walk out the door  
Just turn around now  
('cause) you're not welcome anymore  
Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye  
Did I crumble  
Did you think I'd lay down and die?  
Oh no, not.I. I will survive  
Oh as long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive  
I've got all my life to live  
I've got all my love to give and I'll survive  
I will survive. Hey hey"

The four finished singing and the table began to come back to the ground. Never had the school thought of the day when their headmaster would be wearing a flowery dress and singing a Gloria Gaynor song. But there it was, the evidence right in front of them.

"The second act we have for you, the school's jokesters, the twins who always manage to make you laugh, let's welcome Fred and George Weasley to the stage!" The school began cheering as the two walked onto the stage wearing coconut halves on their chests and Hawaiian grass skirts. Their big entrance included filibuster fireworks going off in every direction. The two began dancing and the music started.

"Down at an english fair one evening I was there  
When I heard a showman shouting underneath the flair

I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts"

The two threw their coconut halves into the air and they landed on their heads  
"There they are all standing in a row  
Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head  
Give them a twist a flick of the wrist  
That's what the showman said.."

The two carried on singing until the end of the song. They had a huge applause as they began playing with their coconuts.  
They got off the stage and Hermione introduced Draco Malfoy singing. Fake money went flying through the air as Malfoy began singing his favorite song. Although he did change the words for his own benefit.

"If I had a million galleons (if I had a million galleons)  
I'd buy me a house elf (I would buy me a house elf)  
If I had a million galleons (if I had a million galleons)  
I'd buy me a way to get rid of Potter (maybe a nice noose or a chain)  
If I had a million galleons (if I had a million galleons)  
I'd buy everyone brooms (then I'd be the girl magnet)  
If I had a million galleons  
I'd buy myself a girlfriend"  
The next act was Crabbe and Goyle... Everyone was disturbed by their song, A Chicken Ain't Nothing But a Bird

"Chicken!   
Nice fried chicken!  
Barbecued chicken!  
Won't you send it down the line.

Say!   
Everyone's talking 'bout chicken;  
Chicken's a popular bird;   
Anywhere you go, you're bound to find,  
A chicken ain't nothin' but a bird.

Some folks call it a fowl,  
That's the story I heard,  
But let 'em call it this and let 'em call it that,  
A chicken ain't nothin' but a bird.

You can boil it, roast it, broil it,  
Cook it in a pan or a pot,  
Eat it with potatoes, rice or tomatoes,  
But chicken's still what you got, boy!

It was a dish for old Caesar,  
Also King Henry the Third,  
But Columbus was smart, said 'You can't fool me,  
A chicken ain't nothin' but a bird.'

You can boil it, roast it, broil it,  
Cook it in a pan or a pot,  
Eat it with potatoes, rice or tomatoes,  
A chicken's still what you got, boy!

It was a dish for old Caesar,  
Also King Henry the Third,  
But Columbus was smart, said, 'You can't fool me,  
A chicken ain't nothin' but a bird.'"

Hermione once again stepped onto the stage.

"For our next act, we will have a very special person performing. Harry Potter, step right on up!"

I felt like leaving this off as a cliffhanger, what will Harry Potter sing? Will he outsing Ron? Will Ron finally get his groove?

cool-people-suck- Thanks for the review! Lol, it's not that strange, Ron just wants a groove, and I suppose we'll find out.

BeBopALula- Thank you for the review! It's really not that strange!

Cristipotter- Thank you for the comment, I think I love you now. Lol the chicken song - the link won't show up on my story, so just go to my profile, the link is on there. There's more songs on there but I think that the chicken one fit Crabbe and Goyle more. So thank you for your lovely comment!


	3. Ron Gets His Groove

Okay, I made some changes from my original version, so there's not going to be a singoff with Ron and Harry, so they'll only be singing 1 song each. And, no, Harry is not singing pretty fly for a white guy, because I can't fit it in with his personality even though I made everyone pretty OOC. So, sorry...

(A.N. The song may freak you out, but I swear, there's NO slash. At all)

I don't own it..

Harry got on the table, and began to laugh. He was laughing manically, the reason, we may never know. Unless we go to Harry's POV!

Harry's POV

_He's looking at me. I can't believe it, the Ronald Weasley is staring at me, waiting for me to make a fool of myself. Well, I'll show him. _Harry stepped onto the table and began to laugh. He couldn't stop, it was uncontrollable laughter. He thought of Sirius and how he just laughed after he saw Lily and James' dead bodies. And the laughing wouldn't stop. Harry was shooed off the stage until he could control his laughter, but the audience waited for him to regain his... Harry-ness.

"This song is dedicated to my best friend in the world, Ronald Weasley." The music began to play and Harry did what famous singers normally do. He danced his bootay off. So there it was, his very round bum, lying on the floor, but Harry didn't care. Finally the lyrics came, you know, 'cause all the singers have to have the REALLY long beginning where they just try to look sexy and dance, and Harry began to sing.

Monday night, and I feel so low,  
I count the hours, but they go so slow.

Harry sits on the floor, because, you know, that's the cool thing to do.  
I know the sound of your voice, can save my soul.  
City lights, the streets are gold.  
Looked down my window to the world below.  
Move so fast, but it feels so cold  
And I am all alone,  
Don't let me die, I'm losing my mind,  
Baby, just give me a sign.

Harry hold up a sign which reads

"Give may a sa-yun, hit meh baybay one more tiyum!" Yah, who would've THE Harry Potter was terrible at spelling? Someone from the audience yelled

"Wrong song!" and Harry began uncontrollably crying.

And now that you're gone,  
I just wanna be with you.  
(Be with you)  
And I can't go on, I wanna be with you.  
Wanna be with you..

I can't sleep, I'm up all night.  
Through these tears, I try to smile.  
I know, the touch of your hand, can save my life.

Harry holds out his hand longingly.

But don't let me down, come to me now,  
I got to be with you some how.

And now that you're gone,  
I just wanna be with you.  
(Be with you)  
And I can't go on, I wanna be with you.  
(Be with you)  
Wanna be with you.

Don't let me down,  
Come to me now.  
I got to be with you some how.  
And now that you're gone,  
Who am I without you now?

Harry flips over his sign, which now reads

"No one"

I can't go on, I just wanna be with you.  
And now that you're gone,  
I just wanna be with you.  
(Be with you)  
And I can't go on,  
I wanna be with you..  
(Be with you)  
Wanna be with you..

(Now that you're gone)  
Just wanna be with you..  
And I can't go on,  
I wanna be with you.  
Oh..  
Just wanna be with you, just wanna be with you.

The entire room went silent. Harry expected a few people to be shocked, but even Malfoy had some people cheering him on...Harry stumbled off the stage, beginning to cry tears of sadness. Suddenly, he heard a dim clapping, just from one person. Harry was one of those geeky "As long as this speech (or in this case, song) touches just ONE person, I'm happy". Harry didn't see anyone clapping though. It's probably one of stupid Malfoy's jokes, Harry sadly thought to himself, and then Harry did the worst thing a boy could ever do. He cried a river and drowned the whole world. Lmao, I'm just joshin' ya. Harry ran up to Dumbledore, his lovely father figure, since, you know, his real father is dead, and bawled tears into his hippie jacket.

Back to Ron's POV, 'cause I'm cool like that..

Ron was looking through the audience to see who was clapping, He knew it had to be a loser, for who else would clap when Harry just outed to the world that he was gay and wanted to shag Ron? Then Ron saw the worst thing ever, Harry crying into Dumbledore's long, saggy robe. But Ron had to get on the stage and sing his song. No matter how much it would hurt his soon-to-be-ex-best-friend.

"And this song is dedicated to you, Harry.." Ron looked ashamed.

"You walked into the party  
Like you were walking onto a yacht  
Your hat strategically dipped below one eye  
Your scarf it was apricot  
You had one eye in the mirror  
As you watched yourself gavotte  
And all the girls dreamed that they'd be your partner  
They'd be your partner, and

You're so vain  
You probably think this song is about you  
You're so vain  
I'll bet you think this song is about you  
Don't you? Don't you?

You had me several years ago  
When I was still quite naive  
Well, you said that we made such a pretty pair  
And that you would never leave  
But you gave away the things you loved  
And one of them was me  
I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee  
Clouds in my coffee, and

You're so vain  
You probably think this song is about you  
You're so vain  
I'll bet you think this song is about you  
Don't you? Don't you?

I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee  
Clouds in my coffee, and

You're so vain  
You probably think this song is about you  
You're so vain  
I'll bet you think this song is about you  
Don't you? Don't you?

Well, I hear you went up to Saratoga  
And your horse naturally won  
Then you flew your Lear jet up to Nova Scotia  
To see the total eclipse of the sun  
Well, you're where you should be all the time  
And when you're not, you're with  
Some underworld spy or the wife of a close friend  
Wife of a close friend, and

You're so vain  
You probably think this song is about you  
You're so vain  
I'll bet you think this song is about you  
Don't you? Don't you?"

Ron ran off the stage before he, himself started crying as well. He ran straight to the Gryffindor common room and into his dorm and took off the poster of Harry he had hanging up on his wall. _How could he do this to me,_ Ron thought. _After all I've done, how could he do this to me?_

When Ron woke up the next morning, he went straight to the Great Hall, ignoring the fact that Harry was staring at him longingly. When Ron got to the Great Hall, there was an applause for him. Ron, being the great brute that he is, didn't know why everyone was cheering and clapping for him. Ron didn't even know why Dumbledore was standing on the table, wearing the world's ugliest speedo and nothing else.

Dumbledore went up to Ron and shook his hand.

"Professor," Ron said, "What's going on?" Professor Dumbledore just handed Ron a certificate.

_This Certificate States That The_

**Ronald Weasley**

_Has Finally Gotten His Groove._

Ron looked around the Great Hall, and realized it was true. All the girls were giving Ron the same glazed look that Harry had given him just moments before. Ron had done it.

Ron ran back up to the dorm and hung up the certificate on the wall and quickly scrawled something on it.

_This Certificate States That The_

**Ronald Weasley**

_Has Finally Gotten His Groove **Back.**_


End file.
